My Soul Story: From Stuck To Soul-led

Growing up

I grew up as an only child with two loving and supporting parents. As a child I was creative and full of imagination; reading and writing stories, making radio shows on my 90s cassette recorder. Those magical, carefree years where everything is possible.

Things started shifting during high school. I felt the pressure to fit in, fearful that people wouldn’t like me for who I really was. I started leaning on alcohol and cigarettes to mask my insecurities and feel bold. But everyone was doing that, so I never questioned this behavior.

Life went on and as expected, I was told to choose a study and go to University. But at 18, who really knows what they want to do with their life? I certainly didn’t. I started and quit several programs over the course of two years, more focused on partying than studying. My parents eventually gave me an ultimatum: one more chance, or that was it. I settled on Social Work, not out of passion, but because I wanted to hold on to my college lifestyle and secure that all-important diploma. Society had taught us we wouldn’t amount to anything without one, after all. 

Discovering Freedom: Travel Sparks a New Way of Living

At 22, I made my first backpacking trip to Thailand with my best friend Marleen and it was life changing. I felt alive,free and completely myself. Something about Southeast Asia resonated deeply with me and I knew I would return. So I kept coming back, year after year, traveling to many other countries on the continent. I felt so at home there and often joked that I must have lived there in a past life. 

Having these travel adventures sparked my Soul like nothing else did. So after graduating I wasted no time, and boarded a plane for a full year of travel.

The Work Trap

When I returned from my big trip, I landed my first job at a management agency for artists. It was fun, but the office routine quickly felt suffocating. “So this is it? Sitting behind a desk until I’m 65? You’ve gotta be kidding me?!”
The thought alone made my chest tighten.

When an opportunity arose to work in South Africa, I jumped at it. Quitting my job felt exhilarating, like breaking free. But South Africa had an expiration date of one year, and soon I was back in Amsterdam, looking for a career that didn’t feel utterly mundane and boring, and didn’t confine me to a desk all day. I found this through doing my Master’s in Criminal Investigation and working as such in Amsterdam. 

At first I loved this job. I felt like I was making an impact and the work was exciting enough to not become a bore. But over time, and after many hours spent behind a desk, that same nagging feeling returned: “Is this what I really want to do? For the rest of my adult life?  But I had no choice. To sustain the life I loved in Amsterdam, I needed this job. Period.

I struggled deeply with the concept of work and the traditional full time job. I couldn’t shake the thought: “Surely we did not come to earth to spend our days and years inside in offices behind desks and computers, letting our precious time slip away.”
But I felt isolated in this belief. Most people around me seemed to accept it, or at least pretended to, because that’s just how life is.
But something deep within me told me otherwise, and I refused to accept this was the only way.

Life Was Good…

Outside of work my life felt ideal. I had a wonderful partner, two beautiful boys, a great apartment in Amsterdam and a buzzing social life filled with wine-soaked dinner parties that often ended dancing in the living room. I thought I was living the dream. 

But deep down, my Soul was stirring. And when the whispers weren’t enough, life decided to pull me out of my comfort zone and shake things up. 

The Start of My Crisis: Moving to New Zealand

In April 2019, my partner Lennaert was offered a job in Auckland, New Zealand. We weren’t looking for the adventure, the adventure found us. It felt like destiny, and in a way it was. We didn’t hesitate. With our adventurous spirits and two little boys in tow, we were ready for a fresh start on the other side of the world. Why not? I had already embarked on adventures abroad before, so I was certain I was gonna rock this. New dream life here we come! Again quitting my job was one of the happiest days of my life; total freedom.

At first it all felt magical, new, exciting and full of promise. But soon reality set in. While Lennaert thrived at work, I was left alone with our toddlers, isolated in a new country with no support system. The vibrant social life I’d cherished was gone, and loneliness took its place. 

When COVID hit four months later, the strict lockdown turned our world even smaller. I spent my days trying to keep the kids entertained, pouring myself a glass of wine earlier and earlier, thinking it would help me manage. But I wasn’t managing, I was sinking.

I no longer recognized myself. I wasn’t the vibrant, adventurous woman I thought I’d be in this new life. Instead, I felt like I was failing—at motherhood, at being a partner, and at life in general. How had I ended up here? This was supposed to be my chance to reinvent myself, but I did far from that. I felt worthless and depressed.
For some reason I often thought: “I wish we were somewhere in Asia…”

Returning to Amsterdam: Realizing It Wasn’t Just  About Location

Six months later we decided to return to Amsterdam. COVID was taking its toll and the thought of not being able to see our friends and family for possibly years was just too much to bear.
At first it felt like everything was falling back into place. We found a great apartment, I returned to my old job and life seemed normal again. But after a while the emptiness returned.

Despite being back in my comfort zone, surrounded by friends and family and in the city I loved so dear, I realized the problem wasn’t New Zealand. The dissatisfaction I felt ran deeper. 

The Awakening: Realizing something had to Change

Looking back, even though that year had been incredibly challenging, I could see that it was necessary to pull me out of the life I had been living in Amsterdam. If I had stayed in my comfort zone, I likely wouldn’t have changed a thing, because, on the surface, it was ‘good enough’. The darkness I faced in New Zealand cracked me open, forcing me to confront the parts of myself I had been ignoring.

I had everything I ever dreamed of: A loving family, friends, a nice job, a healthy body, an amazing apartment, but still something felt off. Somehow I did not feel fulfilled.

I began questioning everything; the choices I’d made, the roles I’d taken on, and whether they truly reflected who I was. For years I had followed the path society laid out for me and did what was expected of me,  but it wasn’t my path. “Who am I? What do I want? What truly makes me happy?” 

I realized I wasn’t living the life I was meant to live. And it was time to change that.

Building a Daily Practice and Tuning Into My Soul

I’d been drawn to spirituality since I was 22, laying out Angel Cards with my best friend, trying to interpret the messages they held and reveling in the magic they implied. Deep down I always sensed there was more to life than what meets the eye, and that awareness made me feel happy and safe. 

Since that time I have spent many hours studying and reading everything related to spirituality, and experienced several magical moments and encounters that strengthened my faith in the Divine. It felt as though everything I’d learned and absorbed was leading me up to this very moment. 

That’s how I knew I needed a daily spiritual practice to create the change I craved. But with a full-time job and two young kids, finding the time felt impossible.
The solution was simple, but took me a while to accept: wake up earlier. And in my case, already getting up at 6 AM every day, earlier meant 5 AM.

Though the 5 AM alarm was brutal at first, the quiet hour that followed became sacred. I journaled, meditated, read books and pulled cards. Slowly I started to hear my Soul’s voice again, and a feeling of calmness and trust started to return.
I exchanged my intense HIIT Workouts for a Yoga practice feeling more and more grounded and at peace.

Recognizing  and Trusting the Voice of My Soul

So here I was, showing up each morning, opening myself to my Soul’s messages, and they came through loud and clear. But I struggled with doubt. Was this really my Soul speaking or was it just my mind playing tricks on me?  It took time and repeated signs to build trust.

Two messages stood out, echoing in every practice:

1. Move to Bali
2. Quit drinking alcohol

Bali sounded like a dream, but quitting alcohol? Was that really necessary?

My Soul guiding me to Bali

The ‘moving to Bali message’ was like a tiny seed that suddenly got planted in my mind and grew bigger and bigger , until it was all I could think about. It appeared in my journal. ‘I want to move to Bali,’ I found myself writing down. Really? Did I? I mean, it sounded amazing as a holiday destination, I had been there twice before, but to actually live there?  Soon it also spilled into my outside world. Friends shared stories of people moving there, international schools in Bali began popping up on my Instagram and for a while I pulled the same card with a Bali landscape on it from my deck, like it was trying to tell me something.

The dream grew bigger and bigger, but I had no idea how to accomplish it. We were stuck in the rat race, the months were flying by and no sign whatsoever that this dream would somehow turn into reality. It left me feeling frustrated, which eventually led me to consult a psychic for guidance.

The ninety minute reading completely blew my mind. Without knowing anything about me she told me my Soul was guiding me to Bali. The valuable lesson she added and that stuck with me was as follows: You don’t have to worry about the when and the how, that is already taken care of. You just make sure you are happy with your life, feel grateful for what is and then when you least expect it, the opportunity will be there. Trust the process..”

This reading was the final sign I needed to fully believe the guidance I received. Which led to an overall bigger trust in that voice I’ve come to recognize and love over the years. 

Sober up!

The second message was more difficult. Alcohol had been my companion since I was 15, tied to every social event. I believed it made life more fun, but through journaling and meditation I began to see the truth: it was weighing me down, often leaving me depressed and drained.

The  returning voice during meditations was clear: “Stop drinking and your life will transform.” I resisted at first, but my journaling confirmed it: alcohol was holding me back. Slowly I shifted my perspective, realizing that letting go of alcohol was essential for getting the life I wanted.

Soul Aligned Action

With my Soul’s guidance clear, move to Bali and quit alcohol, the next step was acting on it. I instinctively knew that in order to manifest my dream of moving to Bali, I had to release what was holding me back. That took time. Sometimes I would quit alcohol for a month or 3, reaping the benefits, but something always drew me back to that glass of wine.
After a particularly rough morning, I committed to a year of sobriety, promising myself I’d stick to it. 

I started to feel better and happier and more like my true self by the week. Was it an easy process? Not exactly.  It took a lot of persistence, commitment and even a bit of grievance to let go of this habit. But deep down I knew it was the right thing to do, so I stuck with it.

I was living in the now, enjoying my life and feeling grateful for all the wonderful people and opportunities in it. I completely let go of my Bali dream, thinking; if it’s meant to be it will be, when the timing is right. And if not, that’s fine too. My life is pretty amazing as it is. 

Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘Let go and let God? ‘The moment I let go of the tight grip on my Bali dream and stopped scheming and planning and worrying about the when and how, is when the magic happened. Out of the blue, through receiving financial means in a totally unexpected way, the opportunity arose to embark on this adventure and make it work.
We didn’t hesitate; we sold most of our belongings, packed up everything, took the boys out of school and left the Netherlands, with a deep sense of trust that everything would unfold in the best possible way.

Living a Soul-led Life

The voice I had heard during meditations was right: quitting alcohol changed my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It raised my frequency to a whole new level. To the level of someone actually capable of receiving my dreams. I got out of my own way and stopped sabotaging myself with destructive behavior that kept me small.
I’ve long passed the year of sobriety I laid up on myself, but do not feel the need to start again. 

And the process is ongoing. Here, in Bali, I still start my mornings at 5 AM, dedicating time to my practice, tuning in, listening and trusting the process of this adventurous yet sometimes uncertain journey. We are reinventing ourselves, finding new ways of working and living which brings all kinds of new challenges. 

My Soul led me to starting this blog, reconnecting me with my creative side and reigniting my love for writing, just like in my childhood.
And even though I can’t see the bigger picture just yet, I trust everything will unfold at the right time. This project brings me so much joy, that the outcome doesn’t even matter. I am simply enjoying the process.

Final thoughts

Soul-led living is not for the faint hearted. It takes courage to admit that what works for most people, does not seem to work for you, and even more courage to act on it and shake things up. But the reward that awaits on the other side is worth it.

When I reflect back on our lives in Amsterdam, trapped in office routines, too busy for adventures or even each other, I feel so grateful for taking that leap of faith, full of trust that the net will appear.

There’s so much more I want to share with you, about listening to your Soul, tuning into your intuition, and creating a life that truly feels like yours. Stay with me as I continue to uncover the magic of Soul-led living.